the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
