Barsexuality is the new black.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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