I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I want to fling myself into the sun
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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