I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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