If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
