The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
