Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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