I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
