Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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