Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
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