Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
