I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
