There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
