I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
