Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
