You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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