I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
