My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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