the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
