I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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