So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
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He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
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I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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