not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
my poor anus
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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