You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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