Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
