I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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