6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
