She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
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You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
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Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize