Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
