Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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