My sheets look like a crime scene.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
