I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
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Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
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I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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