You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
