Someone shit on the floor
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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