wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize