Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
