And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
