if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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