I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
