Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
