I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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