Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
