I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
