Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Just puked most of my soul out..
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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