The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
