i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
