You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
