hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
