I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
