shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize