a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
