I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
