Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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