Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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