john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?