Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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