I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
