Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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