OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
